Are we putting ourselves second?

Why Putting Yourself Second Stops Working

Many people grow up in homes where everyone seems to be dealing with their own struggles. As a child, you may have noticed the stress in your family: a worried parent, a sibling needing attention, or emotional tension in the house. Without anyone directly telling you to, you quietly decided that you would not add to the burden. You became the “easy” child. You kept your needs small, your expectations lower, and your feelings to yourself. Over time, you may have even started believing that expecting care, understanding, or effort from others was not your right. To protect your parents from more stress or to avoid making elders feel bad, you stayed silent when something hurt you. You endured emotional discomfort and convinced yourself that adjusting was the mature thing to do. Slowly, this became part of who you are.

As you grew older, you became very good at explaining things logically. When someone disappointed you, you told yourself they were also struggling. When you felt hurt, you justified their behaviour. Instead of feeling your emotions, you analysed them. Instead of expressing anger or sadness, you shut it down. After years of doing this, you may now find yourself confused about what you truly feel. You may not know what brings you peace because you made peace with chaos long ago. Discomfort feels normal. Settling feels natural. And whenever you try to do something for yourself, a feeling of selfishness appears.

These patterns do not stay in childhood. They follow you into friendships, romantic relationships, family roles, and even your workplace. You often know what you want, but you also understand the other person’s limitations. So you adjust again. As you keep adjusting, frustration builds up inside you. But you tell yourself that you cannot burden others. You reason things out, once again feeling unheard, not fully understood, and emotionally compromised. The cycle continues, and many relationships start feeling unsatisfying.

This often leads to an important question: do expectations cause disappointment? The answer is no. Expectations are a natural part of human relationships. When we value someone, it is normal to expect love, respect, time, effort, safety, and care. Relationships are built on give and take. Having reasonable expectations does not make you selfish; it makes you human. The real problem is not having expectations, but never expressing them and constantly silencing yourself.

What becomes important, then, is learning to validate yourself. You have the right to need things. You have the right to want emotional safety and mutual effort. Stating your expectations clearly is not creating conflict; it is creating clarity. At the same time, it is also important to understand that if someone cannot meet your expectations, it may hurt. That this hurt is valid. The key is to ask yourself whether you can emotionally accept their limitation or whether it continues to unsettle you deeply. This decision should not be made only with logic, but also with emotional honesty.

The first step toward healthier relationships is allowing your emotions to exist. You do not need to immediately fix them or justify them. You can simply acknowledge, “I feel hurt,” or “I feel tired of always adjusting.” When you give yourself permission to feel, you slowly begin to understand what truly brings you peace — not the peace that comes from silence or adjustment but the peace that comes from self-respect. Caring for yourself does not mean you care less for others. It means you are finally including yourself in the circle of care.

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TL;DR: Many of us learn early to put ourselves second by becoming “easy,” quiet, and emotionally low-maintenance, especially in families where stress already exists. Over time, this habit of adjusting, justifying others, and silencing our needs follows us into adult relationships- leaving us feeling unseen, frustrated, and disconnected from what we truly feel. This article explores how having needs and expectations does not make us selfish - it makes us human - and how learning to acknowledge our emotions, express expectations honestly, and include ourselves in the circle of care is essential for healthier, more respectful relationships.

~ Tanisha Honrao

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