When You Don’t Know Why You Feel What You Feel

A gentle method to understand emotions at their root

This question came up during one of my training sessions with my team. Someone asked me what we can do when a patient genuinely does not understand where their emotions are coming from. Not when they are avoiding the question, but when they truly don’t have the awareness or the words to describe what is happening inside them. Sometimes, they sit across from you and say, “I don’t know,” and there really is nothing more they can add.

This is quite common, most people do not come into therapy with a clear narrative or understanding of who they are. They come in with pain, confusion, or repeated pattern of events that don’t make sense to them. In such moments, instead of pushing for insight, what often works better is gently shifting the focus from what they are feeling to where it might be coming from.

One simple and effective way to do this is through a basic form of root cause analysis- basically reverse engineering their thoughts or behaviours.

Understanding Symptoms vs Root Causes

I usually begin by introducing a simple distinction: the difference between a symptom and a root cause. Symptoms are what we experience on the surface - emotions, thoughts, reactions, behaviours. Root causes are the underlying experiences or emotional learnings that create these symptoms.

Symptoms are usually easier to notice. They are uncomfortable, loud, and repetitive. Root causes, on the other hand, tend to be quieter and often sit outside conscious awareness. When we work only with symptoms, any relief tends to be temporary. When we address root causes, change is more likely to be long-term.

To make this idea clearer, I often start with a physical health example before moving into emotional experiences.

A Simple Analogy from Physical Health

Imagine someone comes to you with a fever. There are two ways to approach this. One is to treat the fever itself with medication such as paracetamol. The temperature comes down, the person feels better for a few hours, and then the fever may return. The other approach is to look for the reason behind the fever perhaps a viral or bacterial infection and treat that.

In this situation, most people easily recognise that fever is a symptom, not the root cause. Treating the infection leads to a more lasting resolution, while treating only the fever provides temporary relief.

Once you understand this distinction in a physical context, it becomes much easier for you to apply the same logic to emotional and psychological experiences.

Applying the Same Logic to Emotional Experiences

When we shift from physical health to emotional life, the same structure applies. For example, a person might describe a situation where their partner gets upset or feels blamed during conversations. Instead of immediately focusing on the behaviour or the argument itself, I ask them to consider whether that reaction is a symptom or a root cause.

Most people quickly recognise that the upset is a symptom. From there, we explore what that upset might be a symptom of. Perhaps it is hurt. When we examine hurt more closely, we again ask whether it is a root cause or a symptom. Often, it turns out to be a symptom of something deeper, such as anxiety.

At this point, many people assume anxiety is the root cause. Sometimes it is, but often it too is a symptom. When we go further and ask what that anxiety might be a symptom of, answers begin to emerge - past experiences, earlier conflicts, repeated invalidation, or moments where the person did not feel emotionally safe.

What becomes clear through this process is that reactions in the present often make sense when viewed through the lens of past emotional experiences. When those deeper layers are acknowledged and addressed, the surface-level problems tend to reduce on their own.

Let me give you an example I see often.

Someone tells me they keep getting upset with their partner. Small comments can turn into big arguments. They feel blamed, hurt, and exhausted.

Instead of asking, “Why do you react like this?”, I ask something gentler: “Do you think the upset is the main problem, or is it pointing to something else?” They usually pause and then say, “It’s probably a symptom.” So we go one step deeper, “What could it be a symptom of?” Maybe hurt.

Then we ask the same question again. Is hurt the main problem? Or is it pointing to something else? Slowly, we arrive at anxiety. Or fear. Or the memory of not being heard before. Or past experiences where their needs didn’t matter.

At that point, something shifts. The problem is no longer, “Why am I so sensitive?” It becomes, “No wonder this hurts, this has happened before.”

And when we work with that, the older fear - the old experience, the fights above - start losing their power.

Why This Approach Helps When Insight Is Low

This method is especially helpful when people struggle to articulate their inner experience. When someone says, “I don’t know why I feel this way,” it does not mean they are unwilling to explore. It often means they don’t yet have access to the underlying layer.

By focusing on whether something is a symptom or a root cause, the process becomes less about finding the “right” answer and more about following a trail. Each emotion or thought points to something beneath it. The goal is not to rush to the end, but to move slowly enough that the deeper layers feel safe to approach.

For therapists, this also reduces pressure in the room. Instead of demanding insight, you are collaboratively mapping an experience.

A Simple Structure You Can Use at Home

This approach can also be used outside the therapy room. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into two columns. On the right, write the symptom you are currently struggling with - an emotion, a thought, or a repeated reaction. Then, ask yourself whether it is a symptom or a root cause. If it is a symptom, write what it might be a symptom of slightly to the left. You repeat this process until the answer feels emotionally meaningful rather than intellectual. Often, the root cause is something connected to past experiences or unmet emotional needs. When you focus on addressing that deeper layer through reflection, communication, or therapy, the symptoms above it often become less intense.

Closing Thoughts

Most people do not need to be told what they are feeling. They need help understanding why those feelings exist in the first place. When we stop trying to fix surface-level reactions and start listening to what they are pointing toward, emotional work becomes gentler and more effective.

Not knowing is not a failure or a form of resistance. Sometimes, it is simply the beginning of understanding.

~ Omkar Naik

Director - CINQ.IN 

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 For a therapist or counsellors who can offer you both support & growth, reach out to CINQ.IN @ +91 8007566553 or visit our centre in Baner, Pune.